Dearest Washington,

Traditional Valentine's Day cards with hearts, flowers, and all of that pink seem so tired and conventional. And we do not have a conventional relationship - not anymore. Our relationship is much more explosive.

I built this nuclear arsenal because I love you. I want your attention. I want you to care about me. We need to talk about where our relationship is going. Alone.

I wouldn't have built this arsenal - I just found myself getting jealous. I knew you were fooling around with Iraq, and I only wanted you back. Iraq abuses you - takes you for granted. Iraq didn't even have weapons of mass destruction. I knew it wasn't a good relationship to begin with. But sow your wild oats, I thought. Eventually you'll feel bogged down. You will return to me.

But now you're looking at Iran. Iran was building nuclear weapons, you said. Iran is oppressing her people. But I build nuclear weapons. I oppress my people. What does Iran have that I don't? I am spontaneous, fiery, and shaped like an hourglass.

We never do anything alone anymore. Remember when we used to snuggle up, watch a movie together, and then spend the whole night talking about disarmament? Now all you want to do his hang out with your buddies. "Of course I'll talk to you," you say, "Just let me invite four of my buddies." Japan, China - those guys don't understand me, not like you do. I want intimacy and love.

Sometimes I think you care more about yourself than you care about me. You're always talking about your security, your future, your culture. What about my security? It's a big scary world and I'm terribly isolated. I need attention and affirmation.

They call me crazy - it's true. I'm crazy for you.

Give me a call,
Pyongyang