How To Stalk Me

So you want to stalk me? All I ask is that you do it properly. I have prepared some simple instructions and guidelines to ensure the best quality stalking experience for both of us.

First of all, you need to be doing it with the right attitude. If you’re going to be really psychotic or depressing, please don’t bother stalking me. Instead, redirect your efforts to a guy who typically dates really screwy girls. Everyone knows a guy like this.

It’s also important to stalk me for the right reasons. Good reasons include attraction to me, boredom with your life, or the need to entertain me. Bad reasons include the desire to kill me or “needing a shoulder to cry on.” I do offer the latter service to friends, but not stalkers – you are two very different classes of people to me.

Next we have the desirability issue. I think we’ve all had our share of undesirable stalkers, so if you are extremely annoying or unattractive, please stalk a guy that is more tolerant. I have a much more varied sense of what’s “attractive” than most guys, and it’s tough to explain, but there is one key point: I go for natural beauty. I don’t like lots of makeup, piercings in every possible area, or cosmetic surgery. If you have one particular physical characteristic of yourself that you really don’t like, chances are I won’t notice it. And once you point it out, I won’t care. On the other hand, if you drastically alter the way you naturally look to conform to what’s “in,” I probably will not like to look at you. Other guys will, but I’m not like every other guy in the world. That’s why I have a special guide to stalking me – because the normal rules may not apply.

The big distinction between stalking types is whether you want me to realize you’re stalking me, or whether you want to be completely undetected. If you’re going for the latter, don’t bother. Watch TV or something.

If you want me to slowly figure out that you are stalking me, you’re going to have a rough time. I’m incredibly unperceptive with anything outside my immediate focus of attention. This basically means that I don’t “get” subtle hints, signs, or clues. So you have to be pretty obvious.

Well I must congratulate you if you’re still reading and haven’t been disqualified yet. Since my requirements are strict, I’ll make your job a bit easier.

First of all, to stalk me, you need to know about my location and surroundings. If I’m at home, you should probably call the Bexley Police and tell them that you’ll be around my house late at night and will probably look suspicious. My friends and I were interrogated and ID’d by the Bexley Police one time for playing Capture The Flag, because as 7 teenagers dressed in black creeping around a dark house at 3 AM, it looked like we were robbing the place. That was fun.

So call them and let them know when you’ll be spying on me or otherwise creeping around my house. This will ensure that they don’t mistakenly assume that you are a burglar and arrest you.

If you want to stalk me during the school year, you can probably just walk right in to my dorm. The ResLife staff is usually busy with drunk freshmen, and they often forget to lock the building’s doors. But if they locked the doors, you can just look in my window with binoculars or something. If campus security approaches you (they drive black Ford Explorers), just run into the ravine behind the Wise center. I’ve heard this is a good way to evade the security officers.

This should be enough information to get you off to a good start. Unfortunately, I can’t give away everything about me, because then you’d have nothing to do. So I’ll stop here, in the interest of your stalking experience.

If you have any questions, feel free to spy on me and attempt to figure out the answers.