Q: Is cooking really an appropriate thing for guys to do?
A: Absolutely. The title of Master Chef is a very masculine title. Plus, the ability to cook your own food gives you the power to say to the guy at McDonalds, "I don't need your heart-attack burger anymore. I can cook for myself." And power is a very masculine thing. Cooking is also a great way to meet girls. A man saying "I can cook" is sort of like a woman saying "I have an open-minded twin sister."
Q: So how do I cook?
A: Start simple. You'll probably want to use a recipe.
Q: What's a recipe?
A: A recipe is sort of like directions -
Q: Directions? I thought you said this was for guys.
A: SORT OF like directions. Not much like directions - at least, not in any of the ways that count. It's more like a strategy guide. Or a hobbyist's manual.
Q: I'll go with this recipe thing for now. What do I do with a recipe? Can I eat it?
A: First, make sure it's an appropriate recipe. You'll probably want to start with a simple, masculine recipe. Look at the "action words" or "verbs" in the recipe.
Q: "Action words." I like that. Action. I'm going to get some Action Words.
A: Make sure your action words are simple. Watch out for verbs like "sauté", "caramelize", "fluff", or "sear." Things like "heap", "pile", "dump", and "eat" are good. At this point, you don't want anything much more complex than "place on top of" or possibly "microwave." Some words are tricky. In cooking, "beat" does not mean what you think it does.
Q: There is a list of food at the top of my recipe. What is that for?
A: Those are the ingredients.
Q: Can I eat them?
A: Yes. But you should wait. You need them to cook.
Q: Where do I get them?
A: Some might be in the refrigerator. Others you might need to shop for.
A: Sorry. Procure. Your manly instincts for procuring goods and resources should guide you there.
Q: This recipe says "preheat oven to 375 degrees." What does that mean?
A: You are not ready for preheating yet. First you must master putting one type of food on top of another and reheating things in the microwave.
Q: I really think I'm up to it.
A: You are strong in the ways of the kitchen, but you are not a Jedi yet.