Bush Responds to IAU Meeting

The following transcript comes from a speech Bush is about to deliver in response to the recent IAU Meeting. It came from a very reliable source.

Thank you all. I'm honored to be here tonight. I appreciate you all coming.

I want to talk to an issue of great importance to us all. Tonight I want to take a few minutes to discuss a grave threat to peace, and America's determination to lead the universe in confronting that threat.

The threat comes from Prague. It arises from the International Astronomomical Union who want to take apart our solar system one planet at a time. Last week, these ivory-tower intellectuals announced that Pluto wasn't a planet. Well I'm here to tell you that I think Pluto is a planet. It's just common sense. I learned it in school. Pluto is Mickey Mouse's dog. I like dogs.

Many Americans have raised legitimate questions about the size of the planet; about its irregular orbit; about the importance of Pluto to the wider war on terror. These are all issues we've discussed broadly and fully within my administration. And tonight, I want to share those discussions with you.

First, some ask why Pluto is different from other remote balls of ice orbitting the sun. What about Ceres? What about Charon or Xena? I've got no problem with any of these. I think it would be kind of cool to have a planet named Xena. What's important to me is that they must not take Pluto away. This is not amnesty for Pluto - Pluto is a valuable ally in the war on terror.

Some ask how urgent this danger is to America and the world. The danger is already significant, and it only grows worse with time. Yesterday we had nine planets. Now we have eight. What if we only had seven tomorrow? What if we had no planets? Where would we live? Maybe on the moon like martians? Does it make any sense to wait until they take away more of our planets? We'll fight the IAU on Pluto so we don't have to fight them on Earth.

We have detailed and reliable intelligence that the IAU has been gathering data on Jupiter, Mars, and other potential planetary targets. If they're not terrorists, I want to know: why do they care so much about planets? Why don't they get real jobs and stop questioning things like good Americans?

The only way I know of to protect the identity of Pluto from activist astronomers is through a Constitutional amendment. That's why I want to propose tonight a new amendment to define the Solar System as a union of nine planets, one of which is Pluto. Some people who hate America will say that this is just a political move. That's just the kind of thinking that emboldens the terrorists.

The attacks of September the 11th showed our country that vast expanses of space no longer protect us from danger. Today in Prague, we see a threat whose outlines are far more clearly defined, and whose consequences could be far more literal. We did not ask for this present challenge, but we accept it. Like other generations of Americans, we will defend Pluto's planetary status against the forces of peer-reviewed terror. We will look beyond the boundaries of our atmosphere and spread Democracy to places like Pluto that neither want it, need it, or have any concievable use for it. By our boldness, we will demonstrate our boldness. Pluto will shine like a beacon of hope and democracy to anybody with a powerful enough telescope to see it.

May God Bless America.