Last Thursday, Al Qaeda in Iraq Chief Abu Ayyub al-Masri released a statement from his troops. I can't find a full English translation. The quotes I can find vary greatly from one source to another. I pieced together a fair amount of information — and I'm pretty sure I have captured the spirit of the full version.
Guys, you know we've got the holiday season coming up, and as you know, historically, that's been a big business for our organization. I wanted to take this opportunity to touch base with you and open a dialog on our plans for the future.
Congratulations on making it this far! With the upcoming rush, we'll need everybody to really buckle down and go the extra mile. To that end, we had a high level meeting and decided to declare this coming month “Jihad and Martyrdom Month.”
As you know, we've had trouble retaining some of our personnel, and it's starting to cut into our bottom line. We've been doing a great job of putting own blood into the project — now we need to transition into the somebody-else's-blood phase. We're at a critical point in this project, and we're really starting to feel the pinch. We've lost 4,000 of our visiting foreign workforce and twice as many of our domestic supporters. I'm not blamestoming here — I just want to give you a heads-up on some of our risk-management priorities.
We've been having some problems with people helping the competition, not really supporting our jihad in a goal-driven manner. We've been losing some of our trade secrets, really betraying the company spirit for some side gain. During this month, I'm ask you all to work with me. If you can do that, we'll let bygones be bygones, and move on. If you want to take advantage of this opportunity — and I really encourage you to do so — you can enroll by repenting openly in front of your people, then sending us an FYI on your status. Then help us a bit on our initiative with the occupiers. If we're all on the same team, we can harness some of the synergies it will generate.
Some of you remember Omar, who used to work with us. He's in an American jail now, really having a rough time — but don't worry about Omar. I think there's going to be a silver lining in all of this. If some of you can maybe capture a few of the Roman dogs, maybe we can leverage that deliverable to work out some kind of quid-pro-quo with the occupiers and get our sheikh back. Just so we're all on the same page—everybody should try to capture one American this month.
Now, some of you out there have some best-of-breed abilities that could really help us spearhead a mission-critical project. You know, chemists, physicists, electronics people, especially nuclear scientists. If you've got any expertise in these fields that you can apply to the field of jihad, there are some large American bases in Iraq, and this would be a great place to test out some of your outside-the-box experiments, whether biological or "dirty" as we say in the business. If you could help us out with that, I'd really appreciate it. Let's get an action-item on dealing with those American bases. They've been a real bottleneck on the agenda.
Before I close, I've got an announcement to make — and this is the part that I'm really excited about. We've got a new initiative. It's a military initiative, and we're hoping to move forward with it and eradicate the infidel and apostate. I want to make sure all our cluster teams are a bit more proactive on that front. I'd like you all to take some ownership of this jihad.