Like most of the guys in this business, I got into pizza delivery because of the glamorous way it's portrayed in the movies. You know what I mean — the cars, the girls, the popularity. In the movies, everybody loves the pizza guy. The pizza guy always gets the girls — sometimes two or three at a time.

Let me tell you — in real life, it's nothing like that. The first delivery I ever did, I was excited. I'd been amazed at how easy it was to get a job in pizza delivery. Forget school, I thought, I'm no sucker. From now on, I'd be living the high life. Then I ring my first doorbell and this fat dude with a beard opens the door. I thought I must have the wrong address — then the guy shouts back into the house, "Honey, the pizza's here!" I thought, okay, not what I was expecting my first night out, but I'm cool. I can swing with that. Then these two kids come running down the stairs screaming, "Pizza, pizza, pizza!" They had to have been like eight and ten. I just looked at the guy and said, "You sick pedophile bastard."

I turned around and left. The guy chases after me, waving money, saying, "Hey! Come back. Our pizza!" But I drove off. There's just some things I won't do, even for money. Eight-year-olds are one of them. Besides, it was only twenty bucks.

On the next run, the lady that opened the door must have weighed 350 pounds. She says, "I've been waiting for you."

In the movies, the pizza guy always does his duty, I took one look at this broad (and I mean [i]broad[/i]), and decided... well, it was actually more two looks. One look couldn't take her all in. Anyway, I decided I needed to find some way out of this. I still had the pizza — so I offered to sell her the pizza if she'd just let me go.

I don't know where things go wrong. I do everything just like they do in the movies. Some chick opens the door and I go, "Did you order a pizza with sausage on top?"

They just say, "No. I ordered feta and tomato."

I'll say, "How about I feta your tomatoes."

They'd say, "How about you give my the pizza before I call the police." (One time, I stuck around to see if it was going to be one of those things where the police get in on it too — but it turns out this town has the lamest police ever. Way lamer than in the movies. There wasn't even a hot cop chick in a uniform that didn't fit.)

Anyway, that's about how most nights go. It seems like most people out there are either perverts, like the guy with the family, or completely ignorant, like the girls who thought pizza delivery was just about delivering pizzas. No matter what they say in the movies, pizza delivery is a dead end job — and you'd have to be a complete loser not to realize that. It's not for me. I'm going to finish high school so I can go to college. I saw some great movies about college girls.