How not to launch an iPod killer

Good morning, everyone. As you know, this year has been challenging for our company. But today, we've turned that around. We've overcome major product delays, challenged sales, and an underenthusiastic customer base this year to bring our shareholders breakthrough value and growth opportunities.

Today, we're launching the world's first Portable Digital Media Center.

We're entering a completely untapped market with an innovative, original product. We've—

Sorry, question from the back. Could you repeat that, please?


Yes, I'll address that. Despite our originality and innovation, there are some minor entries in this segment from other firms that we'll easily overcome to become the dominant player in this space. Let me outline our strategy.

Physical attributes

They say size doesn't matter, but we all know that's not true. Right?

Right. So we've decided to make our product 60% larger and almost 20% heavier than comparable offerings from competitors. We're giving consumers virtually 80% more value for their hard-earned dollars.

In focus-group testing, we learned that a significant market segment worries about the future of our youth being too absorbed in music and ignoring the outside world. Therefore, our solution encourages teenagers to go outside when their battery life expires almost four full hours before any similar devices from third-party manufacturers. When you add that up, it's like creating 136,000 lives per year in the U.S. alone.

Downloadable media store

Since all computers in the world run our operating system, we've optimized our device to work exclusively with it.

Copyright owners want assurance that their content is protected. For maximum protection, we've decided to eschew compatibility any legacy DRM solutions, including our own previous PlaysForSure offering. We expect minimal casualties from this decision, since nobody has actually purchased music online yet, and we're the leaders in this space.

To ease our customers' burden of frequent spending on downloadable music, we're offering an innovative new system for purchasing music. Instead of spending $0.99 per song like some legacy providers may have required, our customers will exclusively buy credit toward our media store in $5 blocks. This way, consumers can more easily reach and surpass $5 worth of purchases, where previously they were only able to spend $0.99 at a time.

It's amazingly difficult
to find a good picture
of "quote fingers".
Surveys showed that people are easily confused by decimal points and "cents". To help them easily keep track of their store credit and media prices, we're displaying it exclusively in virtual currency units. I'll call them "points" for now.

Now, we all know that traveling to Europe is a pain because we have to convert our money and calculate exchange rates in our heads. To prevent confusion, we're fixing the exchange rate of our points to an intuitive ~79.8 points per 100 legacy "cents".

This way, songs from our media store cost 79 points. People like nice round numbers, such as 7 and 9, and they'd much rather spend 79 points than 99 "cents". After all, 79 points is almost cheaper* than 99 "cents"!

Our innovative $5-block purchasing system is convenient because people who only use our store once can return whenever they want to use their remaining credit — even after they've forgotten their account information, switched providers, stopped buying music, or died! No provider has ever offered this uniquely innovative feature.

* Not cheaper.

Software installation

Users who install our device's software are asked to share some** of their personal information with us***. We provide additional value to them by encouraging# them to sign up for our other services in order to use any of our device's software or advanced features. This way, we provide additional benefits to consumers who might not otherwise be given the opportunity to use our services.

We're also ensuring that the installation process permits users to re-experience it$?@ many times to ensure that they get maximum value from our additional products and services.

** All.
*** And trusted partners if we so decide at any point in the future.
# Requiring.
$?@ Crashes.

Wrapping up

I'm glad we were given the opportunity to address your concerns. As you know, we've worked long and hard to achieve this monumental release.

We hope you enjoy it.

Thank you very much.