Incidents of Romney Rage on the Rise

BOSTON — According to a recent study, incidents of Romney Rage are on the rise across the country.

Romney Rage is “a sudden, violent mood shift caused by exposure to Republican 2008 presidential hopeful Mitt Romney,” according to Yale Greenfield, a representative from the American Psychological Association.

It can strike anywhere from the living room to the car or office. Those afflicted tend to lash out, often damaging themselves or nearby objects. While victims recover quickly, researchers worry that increased media exposure leading up to the primary elections could lead to an epidemic.

“Think pollen in spring time,” said one sufferer. “Now multiply it by a hundred and slick back its hair.”

“It’s not exactly a psychological disorder,” said researcher Dr. Earl Focht. “Most people suffer from some form of it. Usually it takes a prolonged exposure, such as listening to one of his speeches, to bring on an attack. In some cases, it only takes a sound bite or even his name.”

Scientists disagree on what exactly causes this reaction. Some think it is a combination of smarminess and opportunism. Others think it is caused by the interaction of disingenuity, hypocrisy and very white teeth.

Dr. Focht theorized that it might be caused by “that haircut. That damn haircut.”

The most common victims of Romney rage are computer monitors and television screens. Many are smashed by thrown remotes, coasters, or even armchairs. Small children, who tend to sit close to televisions, are often hit by poorly aimed projectiles. Some accidents previously blamed on snapping Wiimote straps seem to be attibutable to Romney Rage upon further investigation.

One sufferer, who prefers to remain anonymous, says that he has a litany he chants to calm him down after exposure to Romney. “It goes like this,” he says, “Who would win in a fight, Romney or a Tyrannosaurus? The Tyrannosaurus. Who would win in a fight, Romney or a polar bear? The polar bear. Who would win in a fight, Romney or a steam roller? The steam roller. And so forth. It’s sort of like praying the Rosary, but way more awesome.”

Romney is not the first political figure to induce rage. Cheney Rage apparently led Dick Cheney to avoid public events.

“Think of it this way,” explained Dr. Focht. “You see Cheney and you kind of want to take a swing at the guy. Perhaps its because of the torture thing or Guantanamo or something. Perhaps its just on principle. Perhaps its just for fun, just to see what would happen. Take a look at anybody interviewing the guy. They’d get taken out by the Secret Service in a heartbeat — but you know they’re thinking about it anyway.”

“Now if Cheney’s talking to a room full of a thousand people, or heaven forbid, a stadium, you figure as many as 95% of people can control that impulse. When you do the math, it doesn’t look good for the guy.”