Troy (the movie)

Five or six years ago Brad Pitt was the model of effeminate masculine beauty.

Three years ago, with Fellowship of the Ring, Orlando Bloom usurped the position of prettiest of the pretty boys.

Now the two of them appear together in a movie "inspired by Homer's The Iliad." From the preview, we know Brad Pitt plays Achilles. Orlando Bloom plays (you guessed it) Paris. Who could they possibly find to play Patrocles, the one character more feminine than Paris? (This is actually a good question. After a lengthy search, I found his name: Garrett Hedlund. Wow. He made Helen look masculine.)

I have little else to say about this movie.

Rated 1/5


(I think we heard this same sad, chanty music in Gladiator.)

Rated 0/5


Zero pants. I spent the whole movie hoping somebody would invent them. I was disappointed.

Rated 2/5


Well, they got Achilles name right. Aeneas sort of carried his father. However, some of the people who are supposed to live die. And some who are supposed to die live. They took enough liberties with the plot that the sack of Troy almost came as a surprise. When they did get something right, it came as a pleasant surprise.

Rated 5/5

Battle Sequences

It was cool. Lots of blood. Paris turns into Legolas at the end.

Rated 5/5

Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of Fire!

You'll have to see the movie to see what I'm talking about.

Rated 1/5


The movie really scrapes the bottom of the barrel in terms of inspirational war speeches. Definitely sub-Brave Heart. The Iliad came with a number of great taunts. Two heroes would list their entire histories before fighting. That no longer happens. There are a few taunts, but they're very short.

Rated 2/5


Watch it when it comes out on video, if you like cool battle sequences or Brad Pitt's thighs.