Point: The only good man is a dead man (or me)
I’ve always known I was the best. I am stronger, smarter, sweeter and better than any other man alive. I can charm the pants off any girl and charm them off her again once she’s pantless. My smile can melt frozen butter through concrete walls. My teeth emit an audible *ching* when I smile.
It’s the other men that are problems. The solution is shotguns. They’re all so arrogant that they think the world revolves around them. This is stupid. The world revolves around me. Writing an “M” for sex should give the bloodmobile people a right to perform an “accidental” jugular piercing. Or two. Men’s restrooms should be consistently filled with nerve gas and urinals should be booby trapped with Uzis. If I ran this country, the penalty for a Y chromosome would be mandatory suicide.
Men are inconsiderate lying cheaters and lazy cheating liars. They think entirely with their genitals, giving them the amazing ability to have negative intelligence. Not only do men spread infectious diseases and horrendous jokes they are men involved in every major war, repression, and genocide known to history. Men have no sense of honor and will betray every principle to get their own petty way. If a man were ever to apologize, take responsibility or perform a single selfless act—well no point going into stupid hypotheticals. Men have only one redeeming quality, and that’s me.
Counter-point: I pretty much agree
You bring up some pretty good points. I was all set to come to the defense of men, but you’ve pretty well convinced me. Rather than disagreeing with you, I’m just going to say, “Preach it, brother!” Men are pretty disgusting. In fact, if you juxtapose the words “disgusting” and “men” you get “disgusting men.” And don’t think that’s a coincidence. Every bad person in the past 5000 years has had a man for a father. And everybody without a man for a father has turned out to be to be the savior of humanity.
I have a few other ideas on what we can do with the man problem in this country. As you know, men are the largest nuisance gender in the world. In order to get rid of all the men, I propose we hold a “Last Man Standing” competition where we tell all the men that there’s a special prize for the last man alive in the world. And that special prize could be…death! We shouldn’t rest until every man is six feet under the bottom of the ocean.
I do disagree with one minor point, though. I don’t think you’re that great. Sure, you can charm the pants of any girl. That’s nothing. I can charm the shoes and earrings off any girl. It may not sound like much, but have you ever tried untying a double-knotted shoelace with charm alone? And earrings? Some of them push, some hook, some screw—it’s practically impossible. If I step on a beach, the world goes into slow motion. When I smile, my teeth emit a full “cha-ching” as well as the Hallelujah Chorus. I was born under the sign of a new and brilliant star, which summoned 7 Olympic athletes, 12 Nobel Laureates, and a really good piano player. (The star turned out to be a meteor that collided with earth, causing a large-scale extinction.) In fact, when you average me and the 3.5 billion other men, I think we pretty well break even. Maybe even a little ahead.