Terror alert!

Marco.org has just received an official message from the United States Department of Homeland Security regarding a serious terrorist threat.

This information comes from credible sources with a high "degree of specificity." A terrorist attack might happen today. It also might happen tomorrow, or at an unspecified time in the future.

According to concrete evidence that the Dept. of Homeland Security has received but will not disclose in the interest of national security, the following locations might be targets:

  • Washington, D.C.
  • Los Angeles
  • New York
  • Chicago
  • Miami
  • Boston
  • Philadelphia
  • Meadville
  • Cincinatti
  • Seattle
  • Akron

In addition, an attack may happen in any other U.S. city, town, village, or municipality.

Watch for suspicious activity. If you see suspicious people, report them to the FBI immediately. Suspicious activity includes the following:

  • Carrying a backpack
  • Walking slowly
  • Taking pictures of landmarks
  • Speaking in a foreign language
  • Wearing unusual clothing
  • Not supporting the President
  • Walking quickly
  • Using mass-transit systems
  • Communicating with cellular phone text messages
  • Walking
  • Looking around nervously
  • Going to work normally

The Dept. of Homeland Security wishes to assure the American public that they are in good hands, and that the United States Government is doing everything in its power to ensure the safety of its citizens.

However, we live in a new world now with new threats. The Dept. offers its encouragement for maintaining our leadership in this time of crisis. In the meantime, please ensure that you have duct-taped plastic sheets around your windows, acquired an anthrax-filtering gas mask, and reported any suspicious activities to the proper authorities. Be on a high state of alert, prepared for attacks of any magnitude at any moment in any location.

Remember, the government is doing its best to protect us from terror.