Bush Declares War on Teleprompter

NEW YORK - In a move that surprised pundits everywhere, George W. Bush used his Wednesday Convention speech to declare war on “tele-majiggys,” a freshly-coined term analysts believe refers to his teleprompter. The President made the announcement after listing a series of challenges the nation had faced over the past four years.

“In the work we have done, and the work we will do, I am fortunate to have a superb vice-president,” President Bush said. “I have counted on Di-”

The President looked momentarily worried, then said, “That’s disgusting. I’m not going to say that. You know, in America we believe in the freedom to say what you want to say. That means nobody, and especially no machine, can tell you what you’ve got to say. For years, the tele-majiggys have been telling us what to say, using all kinds of big words, like ‘Constitution’ and ‘Abu Gaboo.’ In the next four years, I will take the war to the tele-majigs.”

Tele-majiggy was not the only freshly-coined word of the speech. After his declaration of war, Bush invented a number of other new words, including “Texify” and “Schwarzenize.” He also blamed the teleprompter for the war in Iraq.

“I didn’t want to go to war in Iraq. I don’t like war—I had to try really hard to get out of one when I was younger. And Mr. Hussein was a friend of my dad’s. Dad was always talking about all the crazy things he used to do.

”You know,” Bush continued, “these tele-majigs are all connected. A network. Like Al-Qaeda. It’s a world wide web of terror. And all those things I said about the WMDs? That was the tele-majig’s fault too. And it won’t tell me where they are.”

Cheering Republicans eventually drowned out the President, chanting, “Four more years! Four more years!”