Official Voting Guide

It's that time of year again! Yes, that's right, Election Day is only a few days away. Of course, none of us actually care during the other three years, so this one is actually important.

Political messages in commercials and "news" programs can often be confusing. To save you from processing all of these messages, I've filtered through them with a highly-advanced, proprietary language-processing software package after reviewing thousands of documents and collaborating for many hours with the top experts in various liberal arts.

I hereby present the official Voting Guide 2004! We hereby assert that this is all you need to know about the election and its candidates.

George W. Bush

My interpretation of George W. Bush from this coloring-book picture. Try it yourself!
At, we want voters to be well-informed. George W. Bush's key message is, "I'm always right." He absolutely will not waver (or "flip-flop") on any decision he has ever made.

Well, almost. There was that whole homeland security issue that he completely disregarded during the first 9 months of his presidency. But that didn't get much press, so he was allowed to change his mind.

But other than that, and a few other critical issues that we were never told about, he will never change his mind or admit wrongdoing. He said it best himself in the second debate:

AUDIENCE QUESTION: President Bush, during the last four years, you have made thousands of decisions that have affected millions of lives. Please give three instances in which you came to realize you had made a wrong decision, and what you did to correct it. Thank you.

BUSH: I have made a lot of decisions - some of them little, like appointments to board [sic] you've never heard of, and some of them big. And in a war, there's a lot [sic] of tactical decisions that historians will look back and say, you shouldn't have done that, you shouldn't have made that decision. And I'll take responsibility for them. I'm human.

But on the big questions about whether or not we should have gone into Afghanistan, the big question about whether we should have removed somebody in Iraq, I'll stand by those decisions because I think they're right. That's really what you're - when they ask about the mistakes, that's what they're talking about [sic]. They're trying to say, did you make a mistake going into Iraq? And the answer is absolutely not. It's the right decision.

The Duelfer report confirmed that decision today, because what Saddam Hussein was doing was trying to get rid of sanctions so he could reconstitute a weapons program, and the biggest threat facing America is [sic] terrorists with weapons of mass destruction. We knew he hated us. We knew he had been a - invaded other countries [sic]. We knew he tortured his own people.

On the tax cut, it's a big decision. I did the right decision [sic]. Our recession was one of the shallowest in modern history. Now, you ask what mistakes - I made some mistakes in appointing people, but I'm not going to name them. I don't want to hurt their feelings on national TV. But history will look back, and I'm fully prepared to accept any mistakes that history judges to my administration [sic]. Because the President makes the decisions, the President has to take the responsibility.

(See the complete transcript at Wikisource)

Should you vote for Bush?

Well, how have things been going for you and the people you know? (Do you know any Iraqis?) Bush's administration, and Bush himself, are consistently promising more of the same. That's their campaign: "We'll do more of the same for another 4 years."

They're promising more of the same "foreign policy", the same economic policy, and the same domestic policy. They're promising to keep the national fear guide as a well-played organ to ensure that the country always has a healthy level of terror while we fight terror in the rest of the world so we won't have terror.

If this is what you want, vote for George W. Bush.

John Kerry

Due to modern copyright laws from Democrats, this is the most recent picture I'm allowed to use.
John Kerry is a strong leader with many qualifications. At, we've done significant research to come to our conclusion regarding Senator Kerry:

He's not George W. Bush.

If you don't like what George W. Bush and his administration have done with our country (and a few others) in the last four years, give someone else a chance.

Go vote!

No matter which candidate you choose, you should go vote. Of course, if you live in almost any state in the country, your vote doesn't matter much.

We at love America! Because as backwards as we are sometimes, we're still better than every other country out there.