CounterPoint: The Environment

Written and submitted by Locke and Demosthesis.

Pro, by Locke:

The environment? Man, that stuff’s awesome.

Dude, the environment. I mean, whoa. It’s like this big place we all need. It has trees and stuff. Trees are, like, good for the environment. You know what? This one time, this tree came up to me and gave me this stuff. Man, whoa. Don’t mess with the cool kids...where was I? Yeah, the environment. Dude, yeah. Trees are cool. But man, we got these people. Can’t they just stop and, I don’t know, chill or something? We only got one planet and stuff. Yeah, so there’s all this stuff that…whoa. I mean, it’s pretty bad. You got, like, these oil spills and things. And you know the birds, it’s like all these colors, and they’re like suffocating. And there’s chemical, like DD…K. No, no that’s not it. T. It’s DD…DD..., you know. It’s not K. That’s some good stuff. It’s like toxic, though and all these things. Like, the spotted owl. It’s toxic. And all the fish are intoxicated, but, like, in a bad way. I was like that once. Not anymore. Yeah. I was a fish, not intoxicated, I’m not that sort of guy. I mean, do I look like the kind of guy who’d use any of that mariju-, mari-, whoa. Marigold. That’s a flower. No, I mean I thought I was a fish this onetime, and I tried to go swimming in the lake, but then some guy flushed it. That sucked. Yeah, so, there’s like the man, and he’s trying to mess with the ozone layer. But the ozone’s not going to lie down. Dude, I need to lie down. Ozone. That’s so cool. Ozone. What a weird word. Like Marshmallow. Whoa. Marshmallow. Mallow. Mmmmmmallow. Oooooo. Ozone. You’ve got to try this some time. I had a boyfriend in California once. Screw you all.

Con, by Demosthesis:

Come on, this is hippy bullshit. Everyone knows the environment is simply a waste of space and resources. All of these idiots out there are so friggin' worried about these so called natural disasters like "oil spills" or "chemical contaminations." The liberal bleeding heart media clearly blows all these events out of proportion. So a few seals die? Think about how much money it costs to clean up a hundred thousand gallons of oil. That money could be so much better spent on building new oil refineries to replenish our supplies. I must concur with our wise vice president on this topic: We do not need any of this "conservation," we need more oil fields.

They whine about trees. Who cares? All they do is take up valuable space that could be used to build golf courses and strip malls. We need the paper anyway. My god, if we don’t start cutting more down we might just start having to recycle or something. All the woods are is a place for teenagers to go and smoke up and have sex. And then all those insects that bite you. They are a constant annoyance. Why did we ever have to outlaw DDT? I mean the stuff was pure genius. It not only killed insects but also whipped out most birds and frogs within a few generations. It’s these reasons that I voted for Bush, so he can start reversing those damaging environmental laws.

When it really comes down to it, we don’t need the environment at all. There is nothing that the environment can do that we cannot do faster. They whine about the depletion of the so-called "ozone layer." Ozone is a poisonous gas, why do we want it? And Christ, we can make Ozone if it’s really that necessary. You can buy a common ozone generator out of most airplane catalogs. So don’t act concerned about ozone unless you have one. Without an environment we would not have forest fires or floods or hurricanes. Think about how much property damages caused by hurricanes. All solved if you turn the planet into a giant factory. And who says we only have one planet? After we drain the resources of this planet, we’ll move on to other planets like Mars.