(Cowritten by Josh Ain)
ORLANDO - George W. Bush has won the crucial endorsement of the swing state of Florida and its 31 electoral votes. The record speed for the vote is attributed to the new electronic voting system and a strategy Bush campaign officials call a "preemptive vote." With all precincts prereporting, George Bush had 54% of the vote, John Kerry had 36% of the vote, and independent Ralph Nader and mystery candidate "Diebold" each won 5% of the vote. A record eight generations of Floridians participated in the voting. Voters included Florida celebrities Jeb Bush, Elvis Presley, and Mickey Mouse.
"We all know that Floridians can't tell a ballot box from a garbage disposal," commented Florida election official Jeff Thomson. "We've just saved them the embarrassment in the voting booths. Besides, our way is faster."
"Plus, if they don't bother voting in the end, our results are sure to be accurate."
"Disenfranchised?" asked one Miami resident. "You young folk don't know nothing about disenfranchised. Back in '30, when we were trying to vote for... um... oh, I don't remember. What was the question again? Oh. The '04 election? Alton Parker against that nice Roosevelt kid? I'm going to vote for Roosevelt, I think."
"The preemptive vote in Florida is just the beginning," said a Bush campaign worker. "We're calling this phase 'Shock and Awe the Kerry Campaign.'"
"Aww, crap," said a shocked Kerry campaign advisor upon hearing the news. "Florida voted for George Bush before it voted against him. Can we get a preemptive recount or something?"
In a statement issued from his Crawford ranch, George Bush called the earlier-than-scheduled elections "a great victory for democracy" and declared his Florida victory "the end of major electoral activities in the country. Mission accomplished."
In an effort to reinvigorate his campaign, Kerry plans to travel from Florida to Ohio on a swift boat. He has vowed to continue to fight for the Presidency just as he fought in Vietnam: by fighting bravely but futilely, then protesting afterward. He also plans to receive various awards for injuries taken in the line of campaigning, then pretend to throw them away.
"This administration," Kerry said in a statement Friday, "went into Florida without a plan to win the Keys." He went on to explain that, if elected, he would never lead the country into another senseless, unnecessary election. He also took the opportunity to clear up some other electoral issues. Regarding the war in Iraq, he would support a draft only for the richest 2% of Americans. Additionally, when he said "global test," he meant a geography test he wanted his advisors to pass before declaring war. On previous geography tests, Kerry has forgotten Poland.
In related news, the Supreme Court has preemptively ruled (6-5) in favor of George W. Bush, should the election result in a tie between Bush and Kerry, Bush and Nader, or Bush and Diebold. In another pending lawsuit, Democrats are alleging that the electoral process disenfranchised France.
Halliburton has been awarded a no-bid contract to rebuild American's faith in democracy.